CBS Hating

Dear CBS,

While I was searching through the television channels this evening I had the unfortunate displeasure of viewing a program where an insane criminal shot and killed a woman point blank. Oh, I'm sorry, we as the audience didn't actually see her being shot, we just heard her being shot and had the pleasure of imagining exactly what it looked like to see her skull obliterated and the life taken from her.

You know, I've been debating about this program, and I truly don't know what's worse? The fact that this person was while speaking on the phone with her desperate husband, who heard her being shot and killed and couldn't save her, or the fact that this family had a young child who's life was also threatened by this criminal and who will most likely in future episodes exhibit signs of serious psychological damage.

Right now, I'm trying to figure out why you feel the need as a company to present programming with such extreme and graphic violence. In fact, if your writers are incapable of presenting interesting, thought-provoking, emotional, funny, or dramatic television without extreme violence, without objectification of women, without crude humor, without overt sexuality, then you have done a poor job of selecting your staff.

This program shows me, the viewer, that your judgment as a company is very seriously flawed.

In reflecting further on this episode of Criminal Minds, I was reminded that one of the best things about the United States as a corporation or citizen is the First Amendment. Obviously, most pertinent to you, CBS, is the right to free speech. What a wonderful world, huh? You are protected when you choose to present filth and unimaginative violence to the people of the United States, but the FCC will censor the word fuck because it's wrong. I would love to be able to completely ignore any personal responsibilities in my life, too, CBS, just like you ignore the responsibilities you as a company has to your viewers. Something I think your company has lost sight of is just that, responsibility.

If you don't think that by showing the kind of violence I witnessed tonight you are contributing to the increased violence being seen in cities across the U.S. and the world, then you are diluting yourselves in an unforgivable and ignorant manner.

You should know that I will never watch another CBS program again, that is how unacceptable your programming is to me. And while you are not the only network that shows these truly heinous images, the amount of television programs you support with the kinds of themes I mentioned above vastly outweighs the programming that stands on its own merits, such as your news programs.

Shame on all of you at CBS. You may think that I am insignificant and my opinion doesn't matter, and if that is the case, then you are very, very wrong. I doubt this letter will make any impact on your programming, and for that I am truly sorry. Sorry that you will all fail to realize that by perpetuating these images, you are sculpting exactly the world in which we live, and that world is and will continue to be extremely violent unless influential people and organizations take a stand.

As the great Dalai Lama once said, "We must be the change we wish to see in the world."

Your programming shows a world in which I never want to live, never want to participate, never want to belong.

I urge you, CBS, to say, "Enough!" and to end your violent, distasteful programming. You have the power to make a difference, to lead the fight against negative imagery and build, positive, uplifting foci for all watching. Please think about your actions and choose to make a positive difference, not continue to support the negative influences you currently project. I would be interested in viewing those changes, but until then, I will be content never to support your organization again.

Most unhappily,

Rachel D Fassbender

tree hugging

why not hug a tree? why is there a stigma associated with living a lifestyle harmonious with the environment?

"you see his dreadlocks? tree-hugger"

"look at the tree-hugger driving a prius."

"who cares if i don't recycle, the tree-huggers?"

at various times in my short life, i've heard these statements. when did tree-hugger become a four letter word? (well, during the environmental movement in association with the vietnam war, the seventies, increased drug use, etc.... so i do know when it became a bad word, i was being rhetorical).

i personally love to physically hug trees.

yep, i wrap my white, freckled arms around them and send my positive vibes of love and gratefulness into their outer skins of bark. i thank them for their service, shade, oxygen, the sounds they make when the wind blows, the interesting patterns they make with their shadows.

there is a joy in wrapping my arms around an ancient being, riddled with rings of knowledge, weather, years. there is life, energy in the most literal of forms. i feel connected with the earth-- truly connected.

trees are deceptive in a way. they are usually as large underground as they are above ground. they are strong, yet flexible. the ones who aren't, those old, wise beings, they unfortunately fall and pass on, much as humans do.

i am a proud granola-eating-hemp-wearing-bus-riding-tree-hugger. the only four letter word in my vocabulary that describes my tree-hugging experiences is love.

hug a tree today. be the crazy nut embracing the earth, appreciating your environment, giving thanks for a tree. you're giving thanks for life, for experience, for good.

cheers.

personal responsibility

The president of Poland and nearly all of the important officials of the country died in a plane crash in Russia today. Ironically, the place of the impact was the same place where the Red Army secret police killed 20,000 Polish officers during the Russian invasion.

On NPR this morning, I heard a woman complaining about how the US Census is requesting her demographic information. She felt that she isn't a valued citizen, and doesn't "count" in terms of government, so why should she be "counted"?

I am appalled at how ungrateful people are today. You don't feel as if you count? Then submit your census form-- that is how you contribute to your government.

You don't feel as if you count? You count when you volunteer for your local community. You count when you strive to be a better person, a better citizen. You count when you fight for what you believe in, and not just sit back in your house and complain about all of the injustices you feel you are experiencing. You have a house. You have an opinion, and you can voice that opinion on National Public Radio-- if you don't feel you count, that is of no fault but your own.

I wish everyone read Margaret Mead. "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

You don't feel as if you count? Vote. Educate yourself. Give back to your community. If you want to have personal recognition from Barack Obama, you're right, that's probably not going to happen. But if you want to count, that drive should come from within, and shouldn't have to be recognized-- the sheer efforts you are making should be enough reward for you. If it is not, then don't blame that on the US Census Bureau.

You feel there are political injustices embedded in a census form? You are ignorant. The statistical information gathered from the US Census Bureau takes less than 10 minutes to fill out and return, and is a cornerstone in many of the technological, sociological, anthropological, environmental, any kind of study that is currently happening in the United States and around the world. Major political changes, allocation of government funds, even stupid things such as test markets for your favorite bottle of wine or tennis shoe or video game gather information from the Census. If you choose not to participate, then you are bringing to fruition the very idea that you don't count. You are absolutely right: you don't count when you choose not to be counted. It's not the other way around, sorry lady on NPR.

Today, I am sure the people of Poland feel an injustice that their elected leader and many officals were suddenly stripped away from them. Even though the Polish president has been a thorn in the side of the EU, it doesn't negate the loss of a leader. Imagine if that leader were not the Polish president, but rather, the President of the United States. I don't care on what end of the political spectrum you fall, if that loss were to occurr, the ripple effect of damages would be felt worldwide, not just in the United States.

You don't feel as if you count? Imagine living in a country where your president dies, and the world is indifferent, unknowing, and unresponsive.

Shut up, take responsibility, and make yourself count. You are the only one who can, and your recognition will be the satisfaction of knowing that you are making a difference and contributing to the betterment of one of the best places in the world.

I learned this week that if you have even a small amount of money in a bank account, you are richer than 75% of the world's population.

You don't feel as if you count?

Then I'm sorry for you that you don't realize your potential for greatness, and the wonderful platform of a country where you can express that very quality.

You don't feel as if you cont?

You're right, you don't. Not if you don't believe.

We have to believe, people, in the greater good of all individuals, of all countries, of the world.

"We must be the change we wish to see in the world."

WE.

WE must be the change, not them. Not they. Not the government. WE must be the change. We must instigate this movement of togetherness and fighting for the betterment of all people.

Tragedy abounds in this world. The death of a president, bombings in Moscow, a religious war that has lasted for centuries, has claimed numerous lives, has spurred the creation of seriously destructive weaponry, has stripped the innocence and love from the people who have been gathered to fight.

We must be the change, the spark, the contagious smile. There is but one life for each of us. We must be impactful. Everyone is unique, everyone is a mystery, everyone is teeming with the inherent knowledge and the ability to bring peace and happiness to the world. You don't believe me? What do you need to be happy? I guarantee that the things that are of value to you are of value to others. Shocking, I know.

You don't feel as if you count? Be apart of the movement for change. Not just change from Obama, but change for yourself. Be selfish. Make yourself happy. When you're happy, you'll be more inclined to make others happy, and that, my friends, is the spark that ignites the engine of this well-oiled machine we call humanity.

I am so happy and proud and grateful for the opportunity to continue educating myself. I feel that this world has so much to offer, and I want to give back ten times that and more. The more I offer, the more I, in turn, receive. It's karma, the "Golden Rule", whatever you want to call it.

You give to get, and when you can stop feeling as if you deserve the get, the give will be outweighed so immensely, you won't know what to do with the abundance of happiness, fulfillment, and joy.

I fully intend to make a difference in this world. I call all of you to do the same.

BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE.

LIVE THE LIFE YOU WANT TO LIVE.

HELP OTHERS.

BE KIND.

UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE A MAGNIFICENT BEING, AND YOU MAKE THE CHOICE TO SHOWCASE THAT MAGNIFICENCE OR SQUANDER IT.

I send positive thoughts to the citizens of Poland today, and I send positive thoughts around the world. I don't pray. I don't even believe in God. I believe in kindness and good, and I believe we all can make a difference.

I hope that you are inspired.

I hope you make a difference, if not because of reading this (although, I'm not so bold as to think that I was the flint awating your strike), because you care and you want to count.

A very enthusiastic and positively driven, cheers!

major tom

a friend of mine recently turned me on to grooveshark.com. phenomenal website.

i've been reconnected to the fantastic music of the 1980s. yes, folks, i am a lover of synthesizers, multiple voice stacking, too much bass, and an abundance of spandex-clad, british singers.

i rambled on about the stupidity of Sugarland in a previous blog. i'm sure many of you reading this are against the beauty that is this era: you are wrong. sorry.

there is so much joy to be found in classics such as major tom, rio, the way you make me feel, and all of the other wonderful songs that were products of the rise from the 70s stupor. yes, drug use was still abundant, but the culture had shifted into this eccentric look into what they wanted the future to be, and it was AWESOME.

so i'm in the engineering building, studying for my CSW (Certified Specialist of Wine) and i find that i am completely happy at this moment. the combination of music, wine, and studying has really hit home for me, and i truly enjoy my choices and the consequences of such from past events.

everything in life happens for a reason, and i am reminded of this fact when i sit quietly with myself, just listening, and truly getting to know and develop my passions.

to those of you with whom i did not get along in the past-- i am truly sorry, and hope that we can be friends, or at the very least, be cordial to each other. when you do not know who you are, you cannot possibly know how to be around other people and form relationships that will be lasting and true.

for those of you with whom i have weathered the shit of years past, i thank you with all my heart. you are all part of the cliche fabric to which i am currently referencing, and i wouldn't have it any other way.

i hope everyone, not just those i know, but everyone, will be able to find the peace and happiness i have found in this cold, mathematical building filled with intelligent people, and one person listening to the era of her youth, smiling, and studying.

cheers!

pissed off

I'm a bit peeved right now.

You know, I didn't have a really great experience in college the last time I tried. I didn't want to be in school, I was sick of my family telling me that I have to graduate, and to be quite frank, I gave up because I didn't have any future direction whatsoever, and I pretty much fucked myself over for going onto graduate school right away, both emotionally and academically.

This time around, I've made a conscious decision to connect with my professors in an attempt to really get the most out of my new college experience. This has proven to be more difficult than I had anticipated.

One of my professors, who shall remain nameless, is being a dick. Really, he is completely shut-off to me trying to form a relationship (professional, of course). This really pisses me off. First of all, I don't know if this is an elitist thing with him because he is very, very smart. His research is really fascinating, and he's accomplished a lot in his short life so far.

Yeah, I know I'm getting a second undergraduate degree: dream big. I've applied for grad school, and haven't heard anything. I am an older student, so I have some experiences that have pushed me back here to continue with my education, which, not surprisingly to all of you, was a difficult decision with my past looming behind me.

I don't know if it's just a personality issue, or if he doesn't think I'm intelligent enough, but it never feels good to be rejected in ANY capacity. I'm not looking to be your drinking buddy, asshole, I'm looking to discover more about your research, and build a relationship that will be mutually beneficial.

Fuck it sucks to be rejected.

To be totally honest, I haven't been able to enjoy myself very much this semester. My classes are wonderful, don't get me wrong, and I am connected to the work, but I have yet to connect to the people involved. I guess this is more depressing for me than anything because now that I'm willing to forge these relationships, they are not available to me. So much for trying.

It's funny to think about "the point of trying". I know, I know, 'trying' benefits me and my own personal growth; and if others don't want to be involved with me or put the effort toward a relationship, then fine. I will do this on my own.

For a program that focuses so much on group work and community, I am appalled at the irony of the lack of connection with this professor, and for that matter, with myself for thinking that I could be some sort of leader and good person and connect with my classmates, teachers, mentors, whomever.

Silly me for trying.

graduate school and lily allen

i'm currently listening to lily allen, who is this cheeky, british pop star that cusses up a storm in her songs. there is a dance beat in the background, and although her lyrics aren't poetry, they give me something to think about (sometimes) that isn't related to the two page paper i have to write to be accepted into graduate school.

speaking of which, in applying for graduate school, i've had to delve into my past.

college was particularly difficult for me. not necessarily because the material itself was difficult, but mostly because i'd always been a high-achieving student, and when i was left to my own devices, i didn't know what i really wanted to do with my life.

i'd been told by multiple people: "you don't have to know what you want your future to be", however, being a twenty-something who was extremely stubborn i thought "they can't possibly know what i'm going through right now because they know what they want.' this makes me want to back-up for a second and explain something further about my personality.

i have always had friends who are older. i've been told i have an old soul, and i would agree with that assertion. as a result of having friends who are older, these people have inevitably experienced more than i, and either know what they want to be when they grow up or are already living their passions. this has really caused me for a long time to believe that should have had everything figured out as an undergraduate student who was, you know, 19 years old. as wise/intelligent as i am, how fucking stupid of me.

ok, so after a not-so-stellar first round of college and a really shitty first job, i have an idea about what i want to do and as such, i've been applying for graduate school.

for the application i have to have three letters of recommendation, two of which the gender and women's studies department prefers are academic resources.

one of these resources is one of my favorite professors, who is undeniably one of the most intelligent theorists i've met in my short life so far. the other is another extremely intelligent individual who i had as my primary physiology professor back when i was wanting to go to medical school.

i met with this last professor to talk about my letter of recommendation, and i was reminded that i was not just a number in his class. he explained that he's had thousands of students, but, after four years, when i contacted him, he remembered who i was. that was so significant for me-- made me feel so proud and helped to alleviate some of the worries i've had about my academic past.

anyway, in talking with this professor, i remembered a "relationship" i had as a sophomore. i thought it was something, he did not. he was a medical student, and i believe we were attracted to each other, but, there was always something in the way. i think he had a girlfriend, but, whatever, the point is that i was infatuated with him. he was charming, remarkably handsome, and ended up being my TA during this physiology class, so i got to see him in an academic setting as well as a personal/informal setting. i was so unbelievably attracted to him- still am. i'm attracted to his confidence (egoism. that's a better word) and his smile, and his easy-going attitude. i miss smoking with him and just hanging out. it'd be nice to get a scotch with him again and pick his brain about being a doctor.

i saw him in his car a year ago and i remember being flustered as hell.

please don't get me wrong, i am in an amazing relationship with the most wonderful person in the world. i want to spend the rest of my life with this man, and i plan to do so. he is the only person i could ever see myself being with.

mike is different. he is the representation of a time when i really felt intelligent, when i could have a conversation with a medical student and be respected. he was the idea that an attractive and high achieving person could enjoy my company-- his friendship (and the possibility of more) was validation for me.

i've just recently (about two hours ago) had the opportunity to speak again, and i sent him that proverbial IM. fate is sort of funny like that. i feel that there are some things unresolved for me, but not with mike, just with myself as a younger, much more naive person. mike is the realization that i didn't have to know what i wanted to do with my life, i just had to keep trying different things until i found sociology and women's studies. i've also found wine, which has become quite a passion of mine.

four years ago i felt stuck. i had a lot of things going for me and i couldn't see the forest for the trees. my family and friends tried their hardest to help, but, it would have been great to hear the things i've heard the past couple of weeks from my recommenders about my intellectual and academic capabilities.

so graduate school, hopefully here i come. i'm ready to take the leap into the land of the unknown and find out whether or not i do want to be a professor of gender and women's studies. no harm in trying, that's for sure, and with the experiences i've had, i can accept that this is how you figure out what you really want to do: by DOING it.

mike, if you're reading this, which, i'm sure you're not, let's get together when you're in madison again. i really want to catch up with my past--it's been moving a little faster than i'd expected.

cheers.

holding onto a hero

i am remarkably happy with the local diner in my hometown. not only do they have relatively good food, but they are also friendly in the "i-don't-really-want-to-talk-to-you-but-you're-the-only-peron-here-so-i-might-as-well-make-it-worth-my-while" kind of way: this is what a diner is supposed to be. also, nothing really beats the smell of grease and the promise of food that is not 'healthy', but just plain good.

the best part about the local diner is that no matter what, i can go there and not have to look at the menu. i know the owner, chat with a local policeman, chuckle with the local retirees who are there for breakfast at 1:30 p.m., and take a short walk back to work.

my favorite part of my diner lunch today was the side salad: iceberg and purple cabbage with cut carrots, cukes, and tomatoes. this was accompanied by a quart of homemade chili (which is kind of runny-not classic, but classically 'the diner'), and (drumroll, please) an egg salad sandwich on rye toast, garnished with three leaves of romaine-- naturally.

i've been to some great restaurants in the past, and as much as i loved each of those experiences (bouchon, bottega, blue marlin, l'etoile, etc.), none of them come close to the warmth and good feeling i get from the diner.

when i was a girl, my dad and i would go over to the diner during lunch. he would always get the grilled cheese on wheat, i would get the egg salad on rye toast, and we would share a plate of french fries. we'd get sodas and eat our meals in about 20 minutes, returning to the (usual) chaos that is our family business.

while my dad didn't come with me today, i felt the same feeling. oh, he did eat some of my food (which is good, considering he is too skinny and needs to put on some weight), and we talked about the 'good times'. just having that conversation, i realized that i don't remember any bad times with my dad at all-ever.

i guess i'm nostalgic with this post today because, last night, i was really nervous about going back to school. it didn't really work out so well for me in the past, and those old feelings of anxiety started creeping in. i didn't sleep well, and this morning, there were definitely lingering feelings of stress.

i was linus today, and the diner, my security blanket. it's my recollection of easier times in my life where the only thing i was worried about was getting home before the sun went down so i could play outside with my friends. it's my memories of working with my father for the better part of my life-- being proud to be his daughter and being proud to work at his very successful business. it's the only reason i didn't go completely insane during my 12 hour shifts (which happened too often one summer), my time with my daddy. our time.

i guess i'm feeling guilty about the whole school thing because i've gotten used to working with him everyday. i've grown accustomed to us discussing the future of our business, how we're going to change something with our products, how we're going to handle our employees-- this is what we now share: what we've shared for eons, it seems.

i'm tearing up just thinking about losing two days a week with the man. he is just unreal as far as people go-- he is my hero.

i love my industry and i do want to continue drinking, selling, and learning about wine. the topic drives me crazy with passion and desire and i am thrilled that i have the opportunity to grow with such a great example.

the plan for aaron and me is to move to Napa when i graduate from college...again. i just hope there is a diner there that i can go and order my lunch, bring it to work, and share with my favorite co-worker.

sometimes i almost wish i could take my dad with me and we could do what we do everyday in California-- that would make the move (and my life) much easier, i think. it's hard to leave your hero behind, especially when that hero is tied to some of the most wonderful memories in your life.

well, life is choc-full of experiences that are supposed to stretch your mind and widen your horizons.

all i know is that diner i find in Napa had better be good-- it has a lot to live up to.

cheers, everyone.