pissed off

I'm a bit peeved right now.

You know, I didn't have a really great experience in college the last time I tried. I didn't want to be in school, I was sick of my family telling me that I have to graduate, and to be quite frank, I gave up because I didn't have any future direction whatsoever, and I pretty much fucked myself over for going onto graduate school right away, both emotionally and academically.

This time around, I've made a conscious decision to connect with my professors in an attempt to really get the most out of my new college experience. This has proven to be more difficult than I had anticipated.

One of my professors, who shall remain nameless, is being a dick. Really, he is completely shut-off to me trying to form a relationship (professional, of course). This really pisses me off. First of all, I don't know if this is an elitist thing with him because he is very, very smart. His research is really fascinating, and he's accomplished a lot in his short life so far.

Yeah, I know I'm getting a second undergraduate degree: dream big. I've applied for grad school, and haven't heard anything. I am an older student, so I have some experiences that have pushed me back here to continue with my education, which, not surprisingly to all of you, was a difficult decision with my past looming behind me.

I don't know if it's just a personality issue, or if he doesn't think I'm intelligent enough, but it never feels good to be rejected in ANY capacity. I'm not looking to be your drinking buddy, asshole, I'm looking to discover more about your research, and build a relationship that will be mutually beneficial.

Fuck it sucks to be rejected.

To be totally honest, I haven't been able to enjoy myself very much this semester. My classes are wonderful, don't get me wrong, and I am connected to the work, but I have yet to connect to the people involved. I guess this is more depressing for me than anything because now that I'm willing to forge these relationships, they are not available to me. So much for trying.

It's funny to think about "the point of trying". I know, I know, 'trying' benefits me and my own personal growth; and if others don't want to be involved with me or put the effort toward a relationship, then fine. I will do this on my own.

For a program that focuses so much on group work and community, I am appalled at the irony of the lack of connection with this professor, and for that matter, with myself for thinking that I could be some sort of leader and good person and connect with my classmates, teachers, mentors, whomever.

Silly me for trying.