Love and Marriage

Good morning all! It is absoultely a wonderful day out today!

OK, the weather isn't great (92 with wicked humidity), and it's been storming like mad here, but, so far this morning, I've been extremely productive-- it feels good.

I just recently got engaged, and as such, I've been contemplating the road it took to get to where I currently stand today. I am thrilled beyond belief that my life is going to continue with a person who I love deeply and to whom I am making a commitment that will last until I last no longer. That has a significant meaning for me and him, and it is the most profound emotion I have yet to experience in my still young adult life.

So last night, a friend I haven't seen in quite some time and I went out for drinks downtown. We had a lovely chat about being engaged (she is as well), and it was wonderful catching up on the last couple of weeks of each other's lives that we've missed for various reasons.

Upon embarking to our next destination, we happened upon a former object of lust, for lack of better word: let's call him Jack.

In the fleeting moments we spoke, I was reminded of our history together. I looked at the ring on my finger, and recalled that I thought he would give that to me one day. Here are the memories I pulled from a dark storage locker in my mind:

Jack and I sort of grew up together. My family bought a cabin in Northern Wisconsin, and Jack's family owned the restaurant in which we had our first meal post-purchase of said place. I was, frankly, very interested in Jack's older brother at first-- he was much older than I, a bartender, and the typical tall, dark, handsome and nice person every middle-school-aged girl dreams about.

Jack had been working as a busboy, and people (including my parents and his) would point him out to me every time we were in the restaurant, but, until his older brother left for college, I didn't really pay any attention to the boy cleaning tables.

Jack finally became a bartender, I grew into myself, and I became interested. Very interested. I put on makeup for goodness' sake everytime we went up north. Jack and I developed a friendship, and I dreamed of more. And what 16 year old girl wouldn't have done the same? We had basically grown up together. I saw him on a regular enough basis where I felt we really knew each other, and my entire family teased me about Jack-- "Ooh, Rach, he's always smiling at you...giving you free drinks...he's flirting...he likes you." They, and I believed it to be so, and life was good.

Jack went off to school at UW-Madison, and I did the same one year later. We happened upon each other in a common area of the school, which was surprising to me, since it held 40,000 undergraduate and graduate students. What are the odds?

We started hanging out a bit, I got to know his friends, we went on a day-long "date", where everything I planned went horribly long, and ended in me telling him that I've had a crush on him for years, and him telling me that he just broke up with his girlfriend the weekend before. He never shut the door, which gave me hope, in all my glorious naivety.

On one particular occasion, I had mentioned that I *gasp* had never seen the Star Wars Trilogy. Apparently that was an affront to humanity, and we made plans, along with his friend Jeff (also not his real name), who was a total movie buff, to watch the entire trilogy in one evening.

For the first movie, it was Jack, Jeff, Jeff's brother and girlfriend, and a bunch of Jack's friends and myself watching the movie. Jack's friends left mid-way during the second, and Jeff's brother and girlfriend just before the third. Jeff stayed and fell asleep in the armchair (it was 3:00 a.m. at this point), and I moved to the more comfortable couch were Jack was sitting. I ended up laying down on the couch with Jack behind me, my arm over my head. He kept softly asking if I were awake, and like the trooper I was, I responded each time, willing myself to stay awake for him.

I will never forget this next moment. The sun was rising over the lake-- we could see it from his window. Jeff was no longer in the room, and just as I was about to sleep, Jack started playing with my hand. It was so warm, genuine, sweet. That gesture sent chills down my spine and solidified what I thought was love. We didn't finish the movie. I had a voice lesson that same morning at 11 a.m., and he offered to drive me back to my dorm and pick me up for my lesson that day. We were so close to kissing, but we didn't-- it would have ruined that beautifully pure moment.

That next day, he came with me to my lesson and heard me sing for the first time. We got lunch, and he dropped me off again, promising to pick me up for another date the following day. Jack was an engineering student, so he was busy with homework, and he wanted both of us to get some rest.

That following day, fate stepped in, and I woke up with the worst neck pain I've ever had. I had to call my mother, and she drove me to the hospital, fearing I had the same cancer my father had at the same age-- no cancer, just: MONO.

Damn.

I should mention that Jack has had every disease known to man. He is remarkably accident prone, so much so that I had him list all of his ailments, including injuries, on a sheet of paper for me once just so I could see. It was double-sided and small writing. Poor guy-- I still feel badly about all of that.

Jack heard that I had mono, and came over to check on me. At this point I lost my voice, lost 25 pounds, and looked like death. He brought over the newer Star Wars movie, and promised to keep me company with food and a nice blanket. I had a crazy roommate that was gone all the time, so it was perfect-- we were to have the room to ourselves that night.

Jack came over and forced food on me. Not wanting to eat anything, I cuddled up against him and he played with my hair. Shit, I will never forget this moment.

I turned around to kiss him. I had wanted to so badly for such a long time, literally years. We pushed our foreheads together, our noses touched, and I waited for him to go the rest of the way. He didn't. I leaned in further, and he pulled away. He said he wanted to, but he couldn't afford to catch mono.

He rainchecked our kiss. A raincheck!

We hung out a few times after that, and then things ended. My roommate did some things about which I am still extremely embarrassed and sad, and also that were very hurtful to Jack and drove us apart. I still mourn that loss of friendship-- it was a wonderful thing to have.

Seeing Jack again put my life into perspective. Do I think about this chapter in my life often? No. I never really wonder what it would be like if Jack and I actually kissed that day. It's almost better now that we didn't-- I don't know that it wouldn't have ended exactly the same as it did. I believe I still would have ended up with the love of my life, who is the man that very lovingly and thoughfully proposed to me on a vacation weekend to Seattle.

Jack, if you're reading this, it was wonderful seeing you. You remind me of the self from where I started, and my experiences with you, even the bad ones, have made me a better person. I don't regret never kissing you-- I would have loved to have that experience, but it wasn't pertinent to my being.

Now, though, I think of those two dates in particular with a warm, nostalgic feeling that wouldn't exist had we kissed. And since hindsight is 20/20, I know now that my feelings for you weren't in any way matched, which is OK. You were a gentleman, and I really appreciate that.

Aaron, my love, you are the light of my life and I am so glad we shared our first kiss and the many thereafter. Being with you is a stroke of fate, and I know in my heart that you are the only person for me. I love you dearly, and I will until we are old and gray, passed beyond the living, and beyond into the infinite future.

To all of you reading (which may be none-- so, to me, myself, and I), I leave you with a final thought:

As a favorite professor of mine once said, "Congruent decision-making makes life easier. If your decisions are aligned with your morals, and you truly believe that you are making the best choice for you at the time, I promise you that your older self will be very forgiving of your younger self. You won't have regrets, just the knowledge that you were navigating through life the best way you knew how. There is no manual, no road map."

Jack is a symbol of my decision-making. He is a memory of my youth and need to grow. He represents the past in a way that shadows the dark spots, and highlights the good.

I hope all of you have a Jack, and I wish peace, love, good friends, great wine, and a fulfilling existence.

Cheers!