graduate school and lily allen

i'm currently listening to lily allen, who is this cheeky, british pop star that cusses up a storm in her songs. there is a dance beat in the background, and although her lyrics aren't poetry, they give me something to think about (sometimes) that isn't related to the two page paper i have to write to be accepted into graduate school.

speaking of which, in applying for graduate school, i've had to delve into my past.

college was particularly difficult for me. not necessarily because the material itself was difficult, but mostly because i'd always been a high-achieving student, and when i was left to my own devices, i didn't know what i really wanted to do with my life.

i'd been told by multiple people: "you don't have to know what you want your future to be", however, being a twenty-something who was extremely stubborn i thought "they can't possibly know what i'm going through right now because they know what they want.' this makes me want to back-up for a second and explain something further about my personality.

i have always had friends who are older. i've been told i have an old soul, and i would agree with that assertion. as a result of having friends who are older, these people have inevitably experienced more than i, and either know what they want to be when they grow up or are already living their passions. this has really caused me for a long time to believe that should have had everything figured out as an undergraduate student who was, you know, 19 years old. as wise/intelligent as i am, how fucking stupid of me.

ok, so after a not-so-stellar first round of college and a really shitty first job, i have an idea about what i want to do and as such, i've been applying for graduate school.

for the application i have to have three letters of recommendation, two of which the gender and women's studies department prefers are academic resources.

one of these resources is one of my favorite professors, who is undeniably one of the most intelligent theorists i've met in my short life so far. the other is another extremely intelligent individual who i had as my primary physiology professor back when i was wanting to go to medical school.

i met with this last professor to talk about my letter of recommendation, and i was reminded that i was not just a number in his class. he explained that he's had thousands of students, but, after four years, when i contacted him, he remembered who i was. that was so significant for me-- made me feel so proud and helped to alleviate some of the worries i've had about my academic past.

anyway, in talking with this professor, i remembered a "relationship" i had as a sophomore. i thought it was something, he did not. he was a medical student, and i believe we were attracted to each other, but, there was always something in the way. i think he had a girlfriend, but, whatever, the point is that i was infatuated with him. he was charming, remarkably handsome, and ended up being my TA during this physiology class, so i got to see him in an academic setting as well as a personal/informal setting. i was so unbelievably attracted to him- still am. i'm attracted to his confidence (egoism. that's a better word) and his smile, and his easy-going attitude. i miss smoking with him and just hanging out. it'd be nice to get a scotch with him again and pick his brain about being a doctor.

i saw him in his car a year ago and i remember being flustered as hell.

please don't get me wrong, i am in an amazing relationship with the most wonderful person in the world. i want to spend the rest of my life with this man, and i plan to do so. he is the only person i could ever see myself being with.

mike is different. he is the representation of a time when i really felt intelligent, when i could have a conversation with a medical student and be respected. he was the idea that an attractive and high achieving person could enjoy my company-- his friendship (and the possibility of more) was validation for me.

i've just recently (about two hours ago) had the opportunity to speak again, and i sent him that proverbial IM. fate is sort of funny like that. i feel that there are some things unresolved for me, but not with mike, just with myself as a younger, much more naive person. mike is the realization that i didn't have to know what i wanted to do with my life, i just had to keep trying different things until i found sociology and women's studies. i've also found wine, which has become quite a passion of mine.

four years ago i felt stuck. i had a lot of things going for me and i couldn't see the forest for the trees. my family and friends tried their hardest to help, but, it would have been great to hear the things i've heard the past couple of weeks from my recommenders about my intellectual and academic capabilities.

so graduate school, hopefully here i come. i'm ready to take the leap into the land of the unknown and find out whether or not i do want to be a professor of gender and women's studies. no harm in trying, that's for sure, and with the experiences i've had, i can accept that this is how you figure out what you really want to do: by DOING it.

mike, if you're reading this, which, i'm sure you're not, let's get together when you're in madison again. i really want to catch up with my past--it's been moving a little faster than i'd expected.

cheers.