the worst band in history

i guess, first, hello! thank you for reading my blog.

what made me start this venture you might ask? well, i've found over the years that i am an extremely opinionated person-- shocking, i know, especially to those who know me-- and what better way to express myself than a blog?

diaries haven't worked in the past because, lo-and-behold, i was always the only person reading what i was wishing to express.

well, not anymore. in theory.

if no one reads this, that's ok. i guess the idea that someone would click the link and take a look is much better than the actual act itself. it's sort of freeing, like postsecret. although the anonymity (of the author) is gone, i certainly do not know who is reading what i'm writing, thus preserving some mystery about the whole ordeal.

disclaimer: this is a compilation of thoughts and by no means will reflect proper grammar or spelling. as much as i know run-on sentences annoy many people, there will be many here. deal with it. it's my blog and i'll post how i want to.

ok, onto the actual thought for the day.

i titled this entry "the worst band in history". this is a result of me being subjected to Sugarland, a country music duo. they have won grammy's (proof that the grammy's are rigged and do not reflect true musical talent and showmanship), and they have two, maybe three albums out right now. my boyfriend's sister-in-law LOVES the band. so does his mother. apparently there are many people who listen to and like Sugarland. i do not.

this was the rant i had ready for my facebook status:

if I have to hear another Sugarland song today (or for the rest of my life) I am going to scratch out my eardrums so I may never hear again. They are the worst band in the history of music. Talented, beautiful, and articulate composers, singers, guitar players, pianists, baby kittens, and angels in Heaven are crying right now due to the inception of this musical tragedy. I think the only thing worse than listening to that foul woman singing would be my skin melting from a chemical bath of HCl. Wait, come to think of it, I would take that over hearing that band ever again. Whoever thinks this sorry excuse for a band is actually talented really needs to have their mental capacity tested as well as their hearing checked. Honestly, I've heard birthing cows with more talent and musical ability than the crap that is Sugarland.

a little harsh, i must admit, but true. all very, very true.

now, i don't want to categorize the whole because of the actions of one (thank you Sociology), so, i am going to narrow my thesis: the lead singer of Sugarland, jennifer nettles, is a horrible singer. she is talentless, has obvious hearing problems, and her tonality and musical ability fall just short of the noises animals make while they are in serious distress.

i know that i personally am not the world's greatest vocalist; however, i more than have the ability to carry a tune and i know much about singing.

jennifer's voice, to sum, can be likened (as i mentioned above, multiple times) to a birthing cow. thank god for the creation of pitch-editing software because when she performs live, even with an ear piece feeding her each and every note (including the ridiculous trills she insists upon attempting), she cannot, for the life of her, find the pitch. it ironically seems to be the elusive quality she so wrongly feels she's mastered. ignorance is (only her) obvious bliss.

you know, one would think that same pitch-correcting software could also perfect her tone. the answer, sadly, is no.

how sad that her album reflects as much musical correction as it does (it's really evident, folks, no matter how you protest), and she still sounds like hell? astounding. if anything, there should be a grammy category for "the worst artist AFTER hours of technical correction" winner: Sugarland.

i know, you are wondering where my disgust was born? i distinctly remember the moment. much like you remember exact details of your immediate surroundings during a tragic event, i remember the first Sugarland song i ever heard: it is still their most repulsive song to date.

"all i wanna do" is the offender, and most specifically, the chorus, where jennifer unsuccessfully exclaims "all i wanna do-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo is lo-ove you". yes. heart-wrenching. the Brontë sisters would weap- and not in the way they poetically make millions of readers weep, but in the way an onion, when cut, makes you involuntarily weep. hmmmmm, i think i will digress a moment compare onions and jennifer nettles (a quick diversion for you all to enjoy):

Onions

Pros: excellent taste and texture; used as a base for the majority of the world's diet; many different forms which yield many different variations of use; Bouchon's French Onion Soup--a gift to all

Cons: hurt eyes when cut; give you bad breath when consumed raw; occasionally overpower the flavors of the rest of the dish; unpleasing texture to some; slightly acidic

Jennifer Nettles

Pros: she makes other singers/songwriters actually appear talented when they are most likely just mediocre

Cons: hurts my ears when singing; gives me bad breath when i puke from her sound; overpowers all in her band and the radio; unpleasing tone to all; absolutely corrosive to ears

ahhhhh, the power of analogy.

back to my previous thought: every time i hear "all i wanna do" i feel the urge to scream. to make matters worse, the country station to which i am subjected during the day insists upon playing the wretched band at least two to three times per hour. i work 8 hours/day. that is 16-24 times/day that i have to hear nettle's screeching voice. i honestly thought i was pregnant awhile ago with how nauseous i feel all day long. i realized that no, i am not pregnant (thank god), just really, physically ill due to the constant Sugarland noise that floods our echoing establishment.

i could elaborate more, but as i was told by a friend, i've already written an essay. i understand that i did not completely elaborate, however, if i would really like to outline and write a true argument as to why jennifer nettles is the worst singer in the history of the universe (yes, folks, i've extended the argument to the universe now), i would simply not have enough blog space. it would never, ever be enough space. ever.

so i will end my thoughts here.

i hope you enjoyed, and until next time, keep your glasses, minds, and hearts filled. but, mostly your glasses :) cheers!