Love and Marriage

Good morning all! It is absoultely a wonderful day out today!

OK, the weather isn't great (92 with wicked humidity), and it's been storming like mad here, but, so far this morning, I've been extremely productive-- it feels good.

I just recently got engaged, and as such, I've been contemplating the road it took to get to where I currently stand today. I am thrilled beyond belief that my life is going to continue with a person who I love deeply and to whom I am making a commitment that will last until I last no longer. That has a significant meaning for me and him, and it is the most profound emotion I have yet to experience in my still young adult life.

So last night, a friend I haven't seen in quite some time and I went out for drinks downtown. We had a lovely chat about being engaged (she is as well), and it was wonderful catching up on the last couple of weeks of each other's lives that we've missed for various reasons.

Upon embarking to our next destination, we happened upon a former object of lust, for lack of better word: let's call him Jack.

In the fleeting moments we spoke, I was reminded of our history together. I looked at the ring on my finger, and recalled that I thought he would give that to me one day. Here are the memories I pulled from a dark storage locker in my mind:

Jack and I sort of grew up together. My family bought a cabin in Northern Wisconsin, and Jack's family owned the restaurant in which we had our first meal post-purchase of said place. I was, frankly, very interested in Jack's older brother at first-- he was much older than I, a bartender, and the typical tall, dark, handsome and nice person every middle-school-aged girl dreams about.

Jack had been working as a busboy, and people (including my parents and his) would point him out to me every time we were in the restaurant, but, until his older brother left for college, I didn't really pay any attention to the boy cleaning tables.

Jack finally became a bartender, I grew into myself, and I became interested. Very interested. I put on makeup for goodness' sake everytime we went up north. Jack and I developed a friendship, and I dreamed of more. And what 16 year old girl wouldn't have done the same? We had basically grown up together. I saw him on a regular enough basis where I felt we really knew each other, and my entire family teased me about Jack-- "Ooh, Rach, he's always smiling at you...giving you free drinks...he's flirting...he likes you." They, and I believed it to be so, and life was good.

Jack went off to school at UW-Madison, and I did the same one year later. We happened upon each other in a common area of the school, which was surprising to me, since it held 40,000 undergraduate and graduate students. What are the odds?

We started hanging out a bit, I got to know his friends, we went on a day-long "date", where everything I planned went horribly long, and ended in me telling him that I've had a crush on him for years, and him telling me that he just broke up with his girlfriend the weekend before. He never shut the door, which gave me hope, in all my glorious naivety.

On one particular occasion, I had mentioned that I *gasp* had never seen the Star Wars Trilogy. Apparently that was an affront to humanity, and we made plans, along with his friend Jeff (also not his real name), who was a total movie buff, to watch the entire trilogy in one evening.

For the first movie, it was Jack, Jeff, Jeff's brother and girlfriend, and a bunch of Jack's friends and myself watching the movie. Jack's friends left mid-way during the second, and Jeff's brother and girlfriend just before the third. Jeff stayed and fell asleep in the armchair (it was 3:00 a.m. at this point), and I moved to the more comfortable couch were Jack was sitting. I ended up laying down on the couch with Jack behind me, my arm over my head. He kept softly asking if I were awake, and like the trooper I was, I responded each time, willing myself to stay awake for him.

I will never forget this next moment. The sun was rising over the lake-- we could see it from his window. Jeff was no longer in the room, and just as I was about to sleep, Jack started playing with my hand. It was so warm, genuine, sweet. That gesture sent chills down my spine and solidified what I thought was love. We didn't finish the movie. I had a voice lesson that same morning at 11 a.m., and he offered to drive me back to my dorm and pick me up for my lesson that day. We were so close to kissing, but we didn't-- it would have ruined that beautifully pure moment.

That next day, he came with me to my lesson and heard me sing for the first time. We got lunch, and he dropped me off again, promising to pick me up for another date the following day. Jack was an engineering student, so he was busy with homework, and he wanted both of us to get some rest.

That following day, fate stepped in, and I woke up with the worst neck pain I've ever had. I had to call my mother, and she drove me to the hospital, fearing I had the same cancer my father had at the same age-- no cancer, just: MONO.

Damn.

I should mention that Jack has had every disease known to man. He is remarkably accident prone, so much so that I had him list all of his ailments, including injuries, on a sheet of paper for me once just so I could see. It was double-sided and small writing. Poor guy-- I still feel badly about all of that.

Jack heard that I had mono, and came over to check on me. At this point I lost my voice, lost 25 pounds, and looked like death. He brought over the newer Star Wars movie, and promised to keep me company with food and a nice blanket. I had a crazy roommate that was gone all the time, so it was perfect-- we were to have the room to ourselves that night.

Jack came over and forced food on me. Not wanting to eat anything, I cuddled up against him and he played with my hair. Shit, I will never forget this moment.

I turned around to kiss him. I had wanted to so badly for such a long time, literally years. We pushed our foreheads together, our noses touched, and I waited for him to go the rest of the way. He didn't. I leaned in further, and he pulled away. He said he wanted to, but he couldn't afford to catch mono.

He rainchecked our kiss. A raincheck!

We hung out a few times after that, and then things ended. My roommate did some things about which I am still extremely embarrassed and sad, and also that were very hurtful to Jack and drove us apart. I still mourn that loss of friendship-- it was a wonderful thing to have.

Seeing Jack again put my life into perspective. Do I think about this chapter in my life often? No. I never really wonder what it would be like if Jack and I actually kissed that day. It's almost better now that we didn't-- I don't know that it wouldn't have ended exactly the same as it did. I believe I still would have ended up with the love of my life, who is the man that very lovingly and thoughfully proposed to me on a vacation weekend to Seattle.

Jack, if you're reading this, it was wonderful seeing you. You remind me of the self from where I started, and my experiences with you, even the bad ones, have made me a better person. I don't regret never kissing you-- I would have loved to have that experience, but it wasn't pertinent to my being.

Now, though, I think of those two dates in particular with a warm, nostalgic feeling that wouldn't exist had we kissed. And since hindsight is 20/20, I know now that my feelings for you weren't in any way matched, which is OK. You were a gentleman, and I really appreciate that.

Aaron, my love, you are the light of my life and I am so glad we shared our first kiss and the many thereafter. Being with you is a stroke of fate, and I know in my heart that you are the only person for me. I love you dearly, and I will until we are old and gray, passed beyond the living, and beyond into the infinite future.

To all of you reading (which may be none-- so, to me, myself, and I), I leave you with a final thought:

As a favorite professor of mine once said, "Congruent decision-making makes life easier. If your decisions are aligned with your morals, and you truly believe that you are making the best choice for you at the time, I promise you that your older self will be very forgiving of your younger self. You won't have regrets, just the knowledge that you were navigating through life the best way you knew how. There is no manual, no road map."

Jack is a symbol of my decision-making. He is a memory of my youth and need to grow. He represents the past in a way that shadows the dark spots, and highlights the good.

I hope all of you have a Jack, and I wish peace, love, good friends, great wine, and a fulfilling existence.

Cheers!

Tree-hugging and oil spills

I sometimes get made fun of for being a vocal environmentalist. I am happy and proud that I recycle, compost, use renewable resources when possible, walk, bike, use the bus, etc. I have built a conscious effort in my life to preserve my habitat not only for myself and my neighbors, friends, and family, but also for the plants and animals that have been rudely disturbed by my presence.

I'm not sure who is reading this, if anyone, but here's a little background information about me. Not only am I an environmentalist, but I'm also a big believer in a Universal Energy system as well as the Karmic cycle. Instant Karma I do think exists, but mostly, I think that scientifically if energy can only be passed between objects, and neither created nor destroyed, then to me it makes sense that there is a general recycling of said energy (good and bad) throughout the Universe. I would personally really like the good energy or vibrations, as I'm sure all of you and the Beach Boys do, as well.

My environmentalism, therefore, is stationed upon a platform of general care and concern for the Universe. While I'm not as out-there as biodynamic farmers (good idea, weird practice), I do think that every action has a consequence (obviously), and that perhaps the butterfly flapping its wings doesn't instigate a tsunami halfway around the world, but maybe, just maybe, it pushes the air enough to cause a significant enough swell of energy to assist in the Pacific currents. Who knows?

At this point in time, my revealing that I am an environmentalist is leading to my feelings of pain and anguish for the Gulf of Mexico during the BP oil spill. I'll probably get in trouble for naming names, but, come on, people, the royal family is used to bad press, right? They did spawn Charles.

I listen to NPR, and this morning the Secretary of the Interior made the statement (paraphrased, of course) "In the end, BP answers to us...we may be looking to them for an immediate solution, but we have the final say...the import thing is to get this mess cleaned up first...then look at further issues."

It has been ONE MONTH since this horrific spill, and now our worst fears have come to fruition. The oil has reached the precious Gulf Coast marshes that are home to many species of wildlife, including much of the nation's seafood industry, and workers are frantically trying to remove the disgusting red glop that is so difficult to extract from that area. The plants have sucked the oil into their bodies with the other needed nutrients present in the salty water of the coast, and now, the damaging cycle really begins to exponentially worsen.

I cannot believe that BP did not have a fail-safe for any situation such as this. They are within 100 miles of the shoreline of an area that had very recently been devastated by a major hurricane, and now, let's hit that area again with destroying what's left of that economy. As if poverty weren't a big enough issue in the South already...

What saddens me the most at this point is the devastation of the ecosystems in the Gulf of Mexico. My heart aches for that area, those animals, the plants, the entire cycle of devastation that will extend much farther than that area of the United States.

I hope people begin not only to place value in alternative energy resources, but also look introspectively and see that one action, one flap of a wing, one oil spill, one hug, one thing makes a difference. The cumulative effects occur naturally, so be conscious of that evolution of a moment, and think about whether or not the energy you're putting into the Earth is good, bad, harmful, helpful. Nothing will recover that ecosystem in the South for many, many years. I probably won't see the regeneration of that system in my lifetime. I hate that that had to be the wake-up call for some, but, for others like me, there is validation in knowing that I am still acting in the best interest of the environment, which is not disconnected, but entwined with me and my own life.

Peace and Love.

CBS Hating

Dear CBS,

While I was searching through the television channels this evening I had the unfortunate displeasure of viewing a program where an insane criminal shot and killed a woman point blank. Oh, I'm sorry, we as the audience didn't actually see her being shot, we just heard her being shot and had the pleasure of imagining exactly what it looked like to see her skull obliterated and the life taken from her.

You know, I've been debating about this program, and I truly don't know what's worse? The fact that this person was while speaking on the phone with her desperate husband, who heard her being shot and killed and couldn't save her, or the fact that this family had a young child who's life was also threatened by this criminal and who will most likely in future episodes exhibit signs of serious psychological damage.

Right now, I'm trying to figure out why you feel the need as a company to present programming with such extreme and graphic violence. In fact, if your writers are incapable of presenting interesting, thought-provoking, emotional, funny, or dramatic television without extreme violence, without objectification of women, without crude humor, without overt sexuality, then you have done a poor job of selecting your staff.

This program shows me, the viewer, that your judgment as a company is very seriously flawed.

In reflecting further on this episode of Criminal Minds, I was reminded that one of the best things about the United States as a corporation or citizen is the First Amendment. Obviously, most pertinent to you, CBS, is the right to free speech. What a wonderful world, huh? You are protected when you choose to present filth and unimaginative violence to the people of the United States, but the FCC will censor the word fuck because it's wrong. I would love to be able to completely ignore any personal responsibilities in my life, too, CBS, just like you ignore the responsibilities you as a company has to your viewers. Something I think your company has lost sight of is just that, responsibility.

If you don't think that by showing the kind of violence I witnessed tonight you are contributing to the increased violence being seen in cities across the U.S. and the world, then you are diluting yourselves in an unforgivable and ignorant manner.

You should know that I will never watch another CBS program again, that is how unacceptable your programming is to me. And while you are not the only network that shows these truly heinous images, the amount of television programs you support with the kinds of themes I mentioned above vastly outweighs the programming that stands on its own merits, such as your news programs.

Shame on all of you at CBS. You may think that I am insignificant and my opinion doesn't matter, and if that is the case, then you are very, very wrong. I doubt this letter will make any impact on your programming, and for that I am truly sorry. Sorry that you will all fail to realize that by perpetuating these images, you are sculpting exactly the world in which we live, and that world is and will continue to be extremely violent unless influential people and organizations take a stand.

As the great Dalai Lama once said, "We must be the change we wish to see in the world."

Your programming shows a world in which I never want to live, never want to participate, never want to belong.

I urge you, CBS, to say, "Enough!" and to end your violent, distasteful programming. You have the power to make a difference, to lead the fight against negative imagery and build, positive, uplifting foci for all watching. Please think about your actions and choose to make a positive difference, not continue to support the negative influences you currently project. I would be interested in viewing those changes, but until then, I will be content never to support your organization again.

Most unhappily,

Rachel D Fassbender

tree hugging

why not hug a tree? why is there a stigma associated with living a lifestyle harmonious with the environment?

"you see his dreadlocks? tree-hugger"

"look at the tree-hugger driving a prius."

"who cares if i don't recycle, the tree-huggers?"

at various times in my short life, i've heard these statements. when did tree-hugger become a four letter word? (well, during the environmental movement in association with the vietnam war, the seventies, increased drug use, etc.... so i do know when it became a bad word, i was being rhetorical).

i personally love to physically hug trees.

yep, i wrap my white, freckled arms around them and send my positive vibes of love and gratefulness into their outer skins of bark. i thank them for their service, shade, oxygen, the sounds they make when the wind blows, the interesting patterns they make with their shadows.

there is a joy in wrapping my arms around an ancient being, riddled with rings of knowledge, weather, years. there is life, energy in the most literal of forms. i feel connected with the earth-- truly connected.

trees are deceptive in a way. they are usually as large underground as they are above ground. they are strong, yet flexible. the ones who aren't, those old, wise beings, they unfortunately fall and pass on, much as humans do.

i am a proud granola-eating-hemp-wearing-bus-riding-tree-hugger. the only four letter word in my vocabulary that describes my tree-hugging experiences is love.

hug a tree today. be the crazy nut embracing the earth, appreciating your environment, giving thanks for a tree. you're giving thanks for life, for experience, for good.

cheers.

personal responsibility

The president of Poland and nearly all of the important officials of the country died in a plane crash in Russia today. Ironically, the place of the impact was the same place where the Red Army secret police killed 20,000 Polish officers during the Russian invasion.

On NPR this morning, I heard a woman complaining about how the US Census is requesting her demographic information. She felt that she isn't a valued citizen, and doesn't "count" in terms of government, so why should she be "counted"?

I am appalled at how ungrateful people are today. You don't feel as if you count? Then submit your census form-- that is how you contribute to your government.

You don't feel as if you count? You count when you volunteer for your local community. You count when you strive to be a better person, a better citizen. You count when you fight for what you believe in, and not just sit back in your house and complain about all of the injustices you feel you are experiencing. You have a house. You have an opinion, and you can voice that opinion on National Public Radio-- if you don't feel you count, that is of no fault but your own.

I wish everyone read Margaret Mead. "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

You don't feel as if you count? Vote. Educate yourself. Give back to your community. If you want to have personal recognition from Barack Obama, you're right, that's probably not going to happen. But if you want to count, that drive should come from within, and shouldn't have to be recognized-- the sheer efforts you are making should be enough reward for you. If it is not, then don't blame that on the US Census Bureau.

You feel there are political injustices embedded in a census form? You are ignorant. The statistical information gathered from the US Census Bureau takes less than 10 minutes to fill out and return, and is a cornerstone in many of the technological, sociological, anthropological, environmental, any kind of study that is currently happening in the United States and around the world. Major political changes, allocation of government funds, even stupid things such as test markets for your favorite bottle of wine or tennis shoe or video game gather information from the Census. If you choose not to participate, then you are bringing to fruition the very idea that you don't count. You are absolutely right: you don't count when you choose not to be counted. It's not the other way around, sorry lady on NPR.

Today, I am sure the people of Poland feel an injustice that their elected leader and many officals were suddenly stripped away from them. Even though the Polish president has been a thorn in the side of the EU, it doesn't negate the loss of a leader. Imagine if that leader were not the Polish president, but rather, the President of the United States. I don't care on what end of the political spectrum you fall, if that loss were to occurr, the ripple effect of damages would be felt worldwide, not just in the United States.

You don't feel as if you count? Imagine living in a country where your president dies, and the world is indifferent, unknowing, and unresponsive.

Shut up, take responsibility, and make yourself count. You are the only one who can, and your recognition will be the satisfaction of knowing that you are making a difference and contributing to the betterment of one of the best places in the world.

I learned this week that if you have even a small amount of money in a bank account, you are richer than 75% of the world's population.

You don't feel as if you count?

Then I'm sorry for you that you don't realize your potential for greatness, and the wonderful platform of a country where you can express that very quality.

You don't feel as if you cont?

You're right, you don't. Not if you don't believe.

We have to believe, people, in the greater good of all individuals, of all countries, of the world.

"We must be the change we wish to see in the world."

WE.

WE must be the change, not them. Not they. Not the government. WE must be the change. We must instigate this movement of togetherness and fighting for the betterment of all people.

Tragedy abounds in this world. The death of a president, bombings in Moscow, a religious war that has lasted for centuries, has claimed numerous lives, has spurred the creation of seriously destructive weaponry, has stripped the innocence and love from the people who have been gathered to fight.

We must be the change, the spark, the contagious smile. There is but one life for each of us. We must be impactful. Everyone is unique, everyone is a mystery, everyone is teeming with the inherent knowledge and the ability to bring peace and happiness to the world. You don't believe me? What do you need to be happy? I guarantee that the things that are of value to you are of value to others. Shocking, I know.

You don't feel as if you count? Be apart of the movement for change. Not just change from Obama, but change for yourself. Be selfish. Make yourself happy. When you're happy, you'll be more inclined to make others happy, and that, my friends, is the spark that ignites the engine of this well-oiled machine we call humanity.

I am so happy and proud and grateful for the opportunity to continue educating myself. I feel that this world has so much to offer, and I want to give back ten times that and more. The more I offer, the more I, in turn, receive. It's karma, the "Golden Rule", whatever you want to call it.

You give to get, and when you can stop feeling as if you deserve the get, the give will be outweighed so immensely, you won't know what to do with the abundance of happiness, fulfillment, and joy.

I fully intend to make a difference in this world. I call all of you to do the same.

BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE.

LIVE THE LIFE YOU WANT TO LIVE.

HELP OTHERS.

BE KIND.

UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE A MAGNIFICENT BEING, AND YOU MAKE THE CHOICE TO SHOWCASE THAT MAGNIFICENCE OR SQUANDER IT.

I send positive thoughts to the citizens of Poland today, and I send positive thoughts around the world. I don't pray. I don't even believe in God. I believe in kindness and good, and I believe we all can make a difference.

I hope that you are inspired.

I hope you make a difference, if not because of reading this (although, I'm not so bold as to think that I was the flint awating your strike), because you care and you want to count.

A very enthusiastic and positively driven, cheers!

major tom

a friend of mine recently turned me on to grooveshark.com. phenomenal website.

i've been reconnected to the fantastic music of the 1980s. yes, folks, i am a lover of synthesizers, multiple voice stacking, too much bass, and an abundance of spandex-clad, british singers.

i rambled on about the stupidity of Sugarland in a previous blog. i'm sure many of you reading this are against the beauty that is this era: you are wrong. sorry.

there is so much joy to be found in classics such as major tom, rio, the way you make me feel, and all of the other wonderful songs that were products of the rise from the 70s stupor. yes, drug use was still abundant, but the culture had shifted into this eccentric look into what they wanted the future to be, and it was AWESOME.

so i'm in the engineering building, studying for my CSW (Certified Specialist of Wine) and i find that i am completely happy at this moment. the combination of music, wine, and studying has really hit home for me, and i truly enjoy my choices and the consequences of such from past events.

everything in life happens for a reason, and i am reminded of this fact when i sit quietly with myself, just listening, and truly getting to know and develop my passions.

to those of you with whom i did not get along in the past-- i am truly sorry, and hope that we can be friends, or at the very least, be cordial to each other. when you do not know who you are, you cannot possibly know how to be around other people and form relationships that will be lasting and true.

for those of you with whom i have weathered the shit of years past, i thank you with all my heart. you are all part of the cliche fabric to which i am currently referencing, and i wouldn't have it any other way.

i hope everyone, not just those i know, but everyone, will be able to find the peace and happiness i have found in this cold, mathematical building filled with intelligent people, and one person listening to the era of her youth, smiling, and studying.

cheers!

pissed off

I'm a bit peeved right now.

You know, I didn't have a really great experience in college the last time I tried. I didn't want to be in school, I was sick of my family telling me that I have to graduate, and to be quite frank, I gave up because I didn't have any future direction whatsoever, and I pretty much fucked myself over for going onto graduate school right away, both emotionally and academically.

This time around, I've made a conscious decision to connect with my professors in an attempt to really get the most out of my new college experience. This has proven to be more difficult than I had anticipated.

One of my professors, who shall remain nameless, is being a dick. Really, he is completely shut-off to me trying to form a relationship (professional, of course). This really pisses me off. First of all, I don't know if this is an elitist thing with him because he is very, very smart. His research is really fascinating, and he's accomplished a lot in his short life so far.

Yeah, I know I'm getting a second undergraduate degree: dream big. I've applied for grad school, and haven't heard anything. I am an older student, so I have some experiences that have pushed me back here to continue with my education, which, not surprisingly to all of you, was a difficult decision with my past looming behind me.

I don't know if it's just a personality issue, or if he doesn't think I'm intelligent enough, but it never feels good to be rejected in ANY capacity. I'm not looking to be your drinking buddy, asshole, I'm looking to discover more about your research, and build a relationship that will be mutually beneficial.

Fuck it sucks to be rejected.

To be totally honest, I haven't been able to enjoy myself very much this semester. My classes are wonderful, don't get me wrong, and I am connected to the work, but I have yet to connect to the people involved. I guess this is more depressing for me than anything because now that I'm willing to forge these relationships, they are not available to me. So much for trying.

It's funny to think about "the point of trying". I know, I know, 'trying' benefits me and my own personal growth; and if others don't want to be involved with me or put the effort toward a relationship, then fine. I will do this on my own.

For a program that focuses so much on group work and community, I am appalled at the irony of the lack of connection with this professor, and for that matter, with myself for thinking that I could be some sort of leader and good person and connect with my classmates, teachers, mentors, whomever.

Silly me for trying.